20 December 2006

Orc Side Story

Scott Oden, this one's for you. A sort of get well wish and taunt all in one. I love multi-tasking....

Orc Side Story
(Sung to the tune of Gee, Officer Krupke)

Dear kindly Fiction Author,
You gotta understand,
We're really not too hardcore
Just a little out of hand.
Our mothers were all humanoid,
Our fathers bred from pork.
Golly Moses, natcherly we're Orcs!

Gee, Fiction Author, we're very upset;
We never ate the horse flesh ev'ry Orc oughta get.
We ain't no barbarians,
We're misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!

There is good!

There is good, there is good,
We're just misunderstood!
Like inside, the worst of us is good!

URUK-HAI (Spoken) That's a bloody good story.

GOTHMOG (Spoken) Lemme tell it to the world!

URUK-HAI Just tell it to the editor.

Dear kindly Editor Your Honor,
My face is rather rough.
Green-skinned and beast-like,
No wonder I look gruff.
With a piggish upturned nose
and fearsome little tusks
Leapin' lizards! That's why I'm so brusque!

GORTWOG: (As Judge) Right!

Fiction Author, you really are a square;
This orc don't need a complex, just some tender loving care!
It's just that he once was, a fairy little elf.
Which explains the tatting, he just can't help himself!

I can't help myself!

ORCS (Talking over one another)
We'll use Picot sticks, and do some Cluny leaves!
Do you think this armor looks gay with Mignonette stitch?
I think Quatrefoils look simply fab with those boots!

GORTWOG: (Spoken, as EDITOR) In the opinion of this Agent, the Orc is degenerated on account he ain't been venerated.

GOTMOG: (Spoken) Hey, I'm a venerate degenerate!

GORTWOG: So take him to a book signing.

GOTHMOG: (Sings)
My father's squat and flat-nosed,
Ma broad nosed and sallow-skinned.
My grandpa wears support hose,
Much to grandmother's chagrin.
My sister sings Greek Opera,
My brother sculpts ear wax.
Goodness gracious, no wonder I wear slacks!

BILBO: (As Psychiatrist) Yes!
Fiction Author, don't be so gosh darn snobby.
This Orc don't need a shrink, just a good productive hobby.
The Fantasy genre's given him a hatchet job!
This misunderstood Orc, is really not a slob!

I'm not a slob?

We're not slobs, we're not slobs,
We're not slob, slob slobs,
We just need a better description of our jobs!

BILBO: In my opinion, this Orc don't need to have his head shrunk at all. Tatting Orcs are a protected class!

GOTHMOG: Hey, I got class!

BILBO: So take him to a publisher!

Dear kindly NY Publisher,
I'm really quite unique.
Do you want to see my tatting?
I'll let you take a peek
I hope you don't discriminate
against humans of our kind.
Gloryosky! I'm tired of being maligned!

ARWEN: (As Female Social Worker)
Fiction Author, Throw this Orc a bone.
He doesn't need a contract, just a shelf of his own.
It ain't just a question of wearing tights and looking good;
Deep down inside him, he thinks he's Robin Hood!

Robin Hood!

Orcs in tights, Robin Hood!
We're misunderstood,
Can you say that, I knew that you could!

GORTWOG (As Judge)
The trouble is he's a gloomy gus.

BILBO (As Psychiatrist)
The trouble is he thinks.

ARWEN (As Female Social Worker)
The trouble is he's ravenous.

The trouble is he stinks.

The trouble is he's muscled.

Inside where he's hard-headed.

Fiction Author, quit billing us as dreaded!

Gee, Fiction Author,
We're flat on our ass,
'Cause no one wants an Orc with a wee bit of class.
Gee, Fiction Author,
What are we to do?
Gee, Fiction Author,
Orc you!


Scott Oden said...

I . . . I am at a loss for words. So I shall make grotesque sounds instead :)

Seriously, Constance, that was fricken' awesome! You rock! I expect I'll have to immortalize you as a sinister-yet-loveable Orc bard (or a long-dead Orc poet, take your pick).

[imagine the little "I'm not worthy" smiley here]

Gabriele Campbell said...

Roflol. I don't know the song it is based upon, but this is hilarious.

Now dear author only has to stop exploding things on his computer and write those Orcs. :)

Constance Brewer said...

Scott - Sinister yet loveable? Yeah, that's me all right. I model myself after Master Chief. :)
This is what happens when you get a song stuck in your head and ponder Orcs and sonnets. No more musicals and coffee before bed for me!

Gabriele, it's from West Side Story, you can Google for it, and maybe even come up with an MP3 of the original song.

Carla said...

Great fun! I don't know the original, but I suspect yours is better :-)

Constance Brewer said...

It's from an old American Musical, West Side Story, a modern rip off of Romeo and Juliet. I like musicals. In my litle fantasy brain, I want people in my life to spontaneously break out into song and dance whenever there is a problem.

Hmm, I may have to write that story...

Gabriele Campbell said...

You could send it off to have a Bollywood movie made out of it. :)

Constance Brewer said...

I love Bollywood movies!

I actually had a chorus line of Orcs pictured, doing the Rockette thing. One man's mattress hallucinations are another woman's nightmare. *shudders, picturing Orcs in sequined tutu's doing the can-can*